Please Leave By Nine: A Dinner Party Planning Guide
How to host a dinner party when you’ve never hosted one
I have a new YouTube recipe video up – Marko’s Perfect Cabbage, a one-pan meal that’s only 5-minutes of effort, and one of the best vegetable dishes you’ll ever have. It’s also a great dinner party recipe you can make in advance!
We never ate dinner together growing up. I vividly remember the first time I went to a friend’s house for dinner. They all sat down together. They talked about their days!
It was like watching a TV show.
I didn’t know that existed in real life. I’ve always loved the idea of dinner parties since then. Perhaps it’s from because we never had dinner (or parties), or perhaps its from watching too much Frasier as a kid. But a sit down dinner party, to me, feels like the most adult thing you can do.
Allegedly I am an adult, so I wanted to have a dinner party. A dinner party is an extravagance. It’s an opportunity to bring my people together, to spoil them with good food and good company.
Food is my love language. I love to cook for people to show them that I care. Part of why I call this publication Probably Worth Sharing is the idea that food is inherently something that brings people together. We can make new memories and new friends.
But hosting a dinner party by yourself is complicated. I’ve always envisioned this as a standing Sunday dinner series – a drop in place for friends to stop by if they can make it. A gathering point for new connections. A place for me to try new recipes. But it’s been stressful to think about, so I kept putting it off.
How many people can I seat? How can I get all the food done by myself? How much work will it be? Will people show up? Will they have fun? Will I?
When I was a kid I had this book Planning Parties with Pizazz. I have no idea where it came from, I don’t remember anything about it, I can’t find it on the internet now – but I loved it. So consider this my own guide to planning a dinner party. Pizazz doesn’t happen by accident. It’s right there in the book title, it takes planning.
The emotion of the dinner party
First, set out to decide what emotion you want the people attending the dinner party to have. Is it a celebration of a person or a milestone? A moment for fun? I wanted to create a very joyful experience, something a bit ridiculous and memorable. I wanted raucous laughter. Maybe the food is a bit over the top? Something with pizazz?
That is what’s fun for me.
Choose the scale of complexity you want to take on
There isn’t a good or bad way to host a dinner party, only the way that makes sense for your life and the experience you want to make for your people and for yourself.
Whichever way you choose to bring people together over food is lovely – potlucks, buffets, backyard parties are all great. Honestly, I’m here for a Mrs. Doubtfire-style takeout-disguised-as-home-cooking party (sautée onions and garlic for authenticity). A sit down, structured dinner is only one of many delightful options (and not always the best one for the occasion). What you chose to do depends on your time and capacity – and which part of hosting you enjoy. For some people, the role of host is more fun than cooking. For others it’s bringing people together. I definitely enjoy cooking.
A friend of mine hosts a monthly cookbook dinner club, where everyone picks a dish from the same cookbook to bring – potluck style. She manages the mix of appetizer, entrées, sides, and desserts as people claim recipes. It’s a lovely experience.
Another friend hosts frequent formal dinners – with cocktails in their living room, a multi-course meal with complicated dishes finished a la minute, then a lounge area for after dinner coffee. They do this often and have it down to a science.
A few weeks ago I had my first dinner party – I wanted to host a structured 12-person dinner, with each dish served as its own course. It’s something I wanted to do, to try as a home cook, and to hopefully create a beautiful and memorable experience for my friends.
The guest list, date, invitations, and RSVPs
The guest list is the most important part of any dinner party – it’s about the people you are sharing with: sharing time, sharing food, sharing conversation. Without people you have dinner, but no party.
I like to think about having the following kinds of people:
One or more people who can be glue – whether you ask them to (or they do it naturally) they fill the role of conversation starter and curious connector across the table; they keep things alive and moving, especially when you aren’t at the table. They involve everyone. These are not the people who take up all the air in a room, these are people who bring out the best in everyone around me.
A mix of old friends and new – I like to bring people together who do not know each other personally, but that I suspect would enjoy each other’s company.
Plus Ones – I think a +1 is important to offer, particularly if there are some social cliques already formed in the group, where partners can help newcomers feel they still have a person or be more welcoming to each other.
Consider the relationships between people – if it would create an uncomfortable dynamic, consider changing the guest list (ideally before inviting).
For the date, I try to shop a few dates around to some core guests before making a firm invitation. Not being a football fan, I almost held my dinner on Super Bowl Sunday. Instead I had it the week before. I chose Sunday since it’s usually a day with fewer commitments for my people (mostly parents with 9–5 jobs).
You’ll want to give at least two weeks heads-up for scheduling, sometimes more if your guests are parents who will need to plan for childcare.
If you don’t hear back don’t make assumptions about intent – follow-up with the folks you haven’t heard back from. A good friend of mine shared that he never checks his personal email anymore and had missed the invite, and was grateful for the follow-up. If you have space, consider inviting new friends.
Set expectations for what people can (or shouldn’t) bring.
Here is my very opinionated invitation:
Hello friends,
I think many of you know wanted to start a Sunday supper series for a long time – my vision for it is a family style meal where we can all see familiar faces and make new friends. I want it to be a regular thing but I don’t know what I’m doing.
So here’s how I envision this:
I don’t know how many people I can accommodate or how popular this will be, this is my first one! Maybe it will just be me eating a lasagna by myself crying the corner, maybe it will be standing room only! We’ll find out together. Unless its just me, then I’ll find out alone.
Please RSVP yes or no so I know much food to make. It’s okay if you’re making a game-time decision, but let me know if that’s the case.
If you would like to bring a friend or partner, you can, but please let me know (because: food volume).
When is it?
Sunday, February 5. You can start to arrive at 5:30pm if you want to chat and have a drink before dinner. We will eat at 6:30pm. Fashionably late is 6:15, not 6:45.
Please leave by 9 (this is only half a joke).
Please reply to this email with your answer (yes, no, remove me from your list and your life, etc).
Marko
FAQ
What can I bring?
I want to use this opportunity to try recipe testing a bunch of new dishes – ideas for my YouTube channel that I want feedback on. So I will be making all of the food and desserts. If you would like to cook for me, you can invite me over for dinner. If you would like to cook for a lot of people host your own dinner party! This one is mine and these are my rules.
If you feel bad and want to contribute monetarily, you can donate money to the Waterloo Region Food Bank (you don’t need to tell me about this, this is between you and your own anxiety that you are not enough. I don’t want to hear about it.) Please accept that I love you and you are worthy of receiving a beautiful meal without a direct exchange of goods or services.
Can I help you clean up?
Do not touch my knives. Otherwise, fine. But good luck finding the dishwasher.
What if I don’t like strangers?
Neither do I, but you might like the people I’ve invited! And I promise you’ll know at least one person (me). If you’re not having fun you can hide in the kitchen or I can phone you from under the table so you can pretend you’re having a family emergency.
What kind of food will there be?
I don’t know yet, but if you have allergies or other requirements please let me know so this doesn’t turn into a murder mystery dinner.
What if I can’t stay because I have tiny humans and/or other reasons?
Stop by to say hi, bring a to-go container, then slowly back away while waving until you are through the front door and in your car.
I abandoned my tiny humans/cat/dog/partner/ability to watch TLOU to come here for dinner, can I take leftovers home to make everyone feel better?
Yes. Please take all of the leftovers. But also let me know how many you are feeding so there is enough food.
Your Menu
Your menu should factor in your schedule, how you will prepare, serve, and clean up, as well as dietary requirements for guests.
In general, when I’m cooking for others I like to practice the recipe at least once before. This time I did some improvisation, since I was developing new recipes I wanted feedback on – which meant taking a gamble on dessert (I had a backup dessert, emergency oatmeal cookies in the freezer).
Snacks: focaccia, and I meant to set out olives but I forgot (recipe, video)
Roasted carrot soup with gremolata (recipe soon!)
Brussels sprout Caesar salad (recipe)
The Lasagna of Sadness (recipe)
Strawberry latte tiramisu (recipe soon!)
The following questions are important to consider when you are planning your menu. You may want to prioritize a specific dish, even if it means the day-of work is more stressful. You may want to focus on make-ahead menu items, giving you more time to be with your guests. I would suggest having most, if not all, of your dishes made ahead so that replacements can be made if things go wrong. At minimum, do as much mise en place ahead of time as possible.
Plating and serving
A large driver for your menu may be how you plan to serve, which could be defined by your space. Consider the following options for plating food:
Pre-plated in advance, such as a composed salad
Plating for everyone from a central location
Family style, in big serving dishes that are passed around
Buffet style, where guests leave their seats to serve themselves from a central location
I chose to plate from a central location. I used my kitchen island to serve – it’s directly beside the dining table, so I never left the dining space – and then I passed the plates to each guest. This helped me stay within the space and the conversation.
This informed the meal, as initially I wanted to serve a different salad (radish and blood orange salad) – it’s beautiful on a platter as a centrepiece, but no one would see that. To make each plate look great I would have to assemble them in advance, and I don’t have space to lay out 12 salad plates in addition to all the other items, so I changed to the Brussels sprout Caesar, which can easily be served from a central location.
What can be prepared in advance?
For any dinner party, but especially if you’re hosting alone, you want to figure out what can be done in advance. Trying to do everything the day-of will be quite stressful. You want space for when things go wrong (they will) – maybe you forgot an ingredient and need to run to the store. Maybe you’re behind schedule and you’re standing on your kitchen island taking a photograph of your lasagna for a book cover when your guests arrive.
Your challenges might vary.
You’ll also need to schedule getting the house and yourself cleaned up. So do as much in advance as you can.
I found it very helpful to have dishes that can be prepared ahead of time:
Focaccia, the dough is made 3 days ahead and baked just before guests arrive so it’s warm and the house smells great
Tiramisu, completely made 2 days ahead and served cold from the fridge
Lasagna, made and assembled the day before, baked before guests arrived and taken from the oven 30 minutes before dinner so it could rest
Carrot soup, made the morning of. It was able to be kept warm on the stove until time to serve. Soups can often be made a few days ahead (and often get better as the flavours meld).
Brussels sprout Caesar salad, which can be made fully in advance or made in components, such as shaving the Brussels sprouts 1–2 days ahead of time, and assembled at the last minute.
But if you do end up standing on your kitchen island taking a photo of lasagna (that photo is now the cover of the book!) you can turn every potential disaster into a story to tell.
There are many great make-ahead options like soups, stews, roasts, pot pies, and casseroles. Balancing what can be done on the stove and in the oven will help you in your planning.
Always have 1–2 boxes of pasta in your pantry and some great sauce on hand to make an emergency backup meal in 15 minutes.
Dietary preferences
It’s important to try to accommodate people’s preferences. It’s a kindness that doesn’t take much extra work to show people. At my dinner, I had some friends who are dairy-free. This meant creating a substitute entree and dessert.
For the lasagna, I had already planned to make two – so I made one dairy free. I often make a dairy-free variation that is equally delicious. In fact, I sent most guests home with leftovers of this one and heard one review that said “the cheese was so delicious.” There was no cheese. If I wasn’t already making two, I would have made the main lasagna dairy free since it’s a really easy swap in this recipe.
For a dairy-free dessert, I made red wine cookies as a replacement, which are quick but also delicious and great the next day.
In cases of severe allergies, someone may want to join for the company but not be able to participate in the menu – offer to bring in takeout from a place safe for them, or accommodate them bringing their own meal. It’s not an insult to you or your cooking, it’s a matter of them being safe and comfortable.
It’s helpful to have a few pantry essentials for backup – like a box of gluten free pasta, a can of white beans, and some fresh greens and herbs. You can make a delicious (and filling) gluten free and vegan meal in the time it takes to boil pasta.
What kind of plates and cutlery do you need for the menu?
The dinnerware you already have may define what you are able to serve – if you don’t have enough, ask a friend if you can borrow plates and bowls. (For any local friends, you can borrow my Corelle set anytime.)
I have a set of Corelle plates – the same kind we had growing up, but plain white instead ofthe iconic green vines. These are great since they are virtually indestructible, neutral in appearance, and thin enough they can all be loaded in the dishwasher at once. A five course, 12 person setting is $200 and is manufactured in New York! It should last a lifetime.
I also have a 12-person, 5-course cutlery set (from Liberty Tabletop, also made in the USA). I have an older set of cutlery hanging around from University days that I keep in case I plan to host a larger amount of people in the future.
In cases where you do not have enough cutlery, your main options will be to have people keep their cutlery between courses or to remove and wash the cutlery between courses. If this is part of the plan, figure out when it makes sense to do this – such as excusing yourself to clean the cutlery after serving coffee, but before dessert.
What do you need for serving?
Another consideration for preparing dishes in advance is how they will be made and served. For example, I needed my large stock pot to boil lasagna noodles, to make bolognese, to make the soup and keep it warm until serving. By documenting what each recipe needs you can plan it into your schedule, adjust when you work on each recipe, or borrow additional equipment from friends.
You can see below I had some conflicts: 3 recipes needed the 7qt pot, I needed 4 @ 13x9 pans – luckily enough I have that many, or else I would have borrowed some. You can see I had to re-use the fish spatula and offset spatula. For most of my dishes I was serving out of the cooking vessel, which simplified my work substantially. In cases where you are serving buffet style or family style, it’s very important to make sure you know the serving dish and utensils for each.
By thinking about this in advance you can borrow extra items if needed, or schedule your cooking to accommodate sharing equipment between different menu items.
How do you create enough seating?
Depending on your guest list and space, you may need to reconfigure your seating. I have a 60” round table, which comfortably seats 6, squished in seats 8. I was planning to serve 12-14. I had a 6 foot folding table in my basement I set up beside the table. I got a skirted tablecloth for it so it would look nice. I borrowed folding chairs from a friend. In setting up the space I really wanted to make it feel like one big table, not two tables. I was sort-of successful at that.
Setting the table
Depending on how you are plating you will set the table in different ways. At minimum, set out napkins , a water glass, a wine glass and beginning cutlery. If you are serving multiple courses with plating at the table, you may want to stack your plates – soup bowl on salad plate on dinner plate. In my case that would make everything more complicated, since I was plating from the island. I kept all the plates stacked at the island and passed them around for each course.
Depending on how much you want to focus on atmosphere, table cloths, linen or cotton napkins, and chargers are ways to instantly transform the mood of your space as well.
Beverages
Ensure there is an array of beverages available. My preference is to set out bottles on the table so people can serve themselves, and replacing them as needed between courses.
You’ll want to consider having:
Water in carafes – I have filtered tap water, if I was prepared I would have also had some chilled mineral water to be fancy. I used some glass carafes I already had.
Wine – I kept things simple with one wine that I had used in the ragu for the lasagna and would go with each course. I had several bottles set out so people could refill their own glasses. You may want to consider wine pairings by course, but I am not that fancy (yet).
Non-alcoholic options – I had bottles of this delicious apricot nectar that looked great served in a wine glass and helps everyone feel included.
For dietary preferences and alcohol preferences my preference is to give people a private channel to communicate with you ahead of time, such as email, so you can accommodate them without making a show of it. Nobody should be made to feel the need to explain why they aren’t drinking, so showing non-alcohol as an equal and acceptable option is important.
After dinner coffee and tea
I love coffee with my whole heart, and I wanted to serve coffee and tea after dinner. I have an espresso machine, which allowed me to offer fancy coffees to order. To simplify things, I asked – caffeinated or decaf? Americano or latte? Cow or oat? It took a bit of time, but it was fun.
Without a fancy coffee machine, I would do a pot of decaf coffee (which should appeal to most people), served with both cream and oat creamer, and sugar at the table, as well as a box of different teas with a pot of hot water.
I generally prefer specialty espresso in a lighter roast, but that’s not for everyone. I went to my local coffee shop and asked what a good roast would be to appeal to everyone at a dinner party and used that. It was great.
Lastly, some people have coffee and tea in a sitting room instead of the dining room. I don’t have the space for this, but if you have the space it is very nice to give everyone the space to stretch and move around – and sit with some new people for different conversations.
Atmosphere
Music
Music can set the tone for the whole evening. I think it’s something I would delegate away first, since there are so many things to think about already. I ended up putting on Apple Music’s Jazz Station, which was very Fraiser-esque.
I love music, but I don’t enjoy making playlists.
Lights
Lighting will define the mood and direct where people focus – for example, my living room is adjacent (and open to) my dining room so I kept those lights off to make the dining room feel more intimate. I kept the kitchen lights on, but lower, since I would be in and out of that space.
If possible, use floor lamps and candles to create a more intimate atmosphere and leave the pot lights off.
Candles
Candles are a great way to create an intimate atmosphere – and to deal with a wide array of smells. The flame of unscented candles will help burn out smells that pass by the flame, so keeping candles centralized between diners, such as in the center of your table, can help improve their experience. I would recommend looking for unscented beeswax or soy wax candles. I would avoid paraffin wax, which is made from the fossil fuel industry. You wouldn’t burn gasoline inside, why are you burning paraffin?
Flowers
Fresh flowers (and branches and grasses) can help create instant atmosphere. Avoid placing these in the center of the table where they would disrupt the view between guests, but you can use them strategically to block views. In my case, my kitchen sink is directly visible from the dining table. If I had planned a bit more ahead, I would have bought some tall flowers to place on the island to create a visual separation between the two spaces.
Photography
If you have a friend who is good at photography, assign them the job of dinner photographer. If there are specific moments you want to capture, highlight those to them. It’s really nice to have photos of yourself with your friends. Be sure to also capture some photos of that guest, too.
I took photos of the guests as well, which felt like a nice memory to send people home with. My preference is to ask people for their consent before sharing photos of them on social media or with others.
Clean what you can in advance
A large benefit to preparing food ahead of time is being able to minimize the amount of dishes (and smells) present in your kitchen when guests arrive. Everyone will feel more comfortable if your sink isn’t piled to the ceiling. Ensure there is space in the fridge and freezer.
Similarly, clean your fridge of things that smell – you’ll likely be opening it often and you don’t your sad rotten spinach to sour the mood. Same goes for your compost bin and garbage cans.
Your bathroom
It’s not fun to talk about bathrooms, but people will need to use yours during a dinner party. With a few considerations you can help people feel comfortable.
Give people guidance to where it is ahead of time, such as in your reminder email
Consider a white noise speaker to make people more comfortable
Light a scented candle (in a jar, it’s safer) to help cover any smells
Have a room spray available
Make sure that soap is visible
Ensure that spare toilet paper is visible
Consider what questions or issues may come up and try to address them in advance so guests can take care of themselves – for example, set out a spare roll of toilet paper, make sure the toilet brush is accessible
Give everything a good wipe down before guests arrive.
Think about where your bathroom is compared to your dining space. In some homes or apartments, it might be directly beside where guests are eating. In those cases, things like candles and playing white noise from a speaker become more important
Greetings and your entryway
It’s Winter in Canada for half the year, which means everyone will be showing up with boots, hats, gloves, scarves, and bags.
Move your own boots and coats to upstairs and set up a staging area for the madness ahead. As people arrive, play Airline Safety Announcement and direct them where to put things. Shoes away from the door, coats on the couch!
Introduce your guests to someone they don’t know, the buddy system will take over from there. You will be too busy for introductions. In general, I like to introduce someone by name and a fun/positive fact about them that works as a conversation starter. “Friend L, meet Friend Z. Friend Z owns a small take-out restaurant with her mom. Friend L is Penny’s mom! I have to go make salad now bye!”
Timing
Arrivals
I have found there are various levels of punctuality to expect. Some of my friends will show up 5 minutes early, every time. Some show up 15 minutes late, every time.
This can be a bit difficult when you’re planning specific dishes to be done and hot for a sit down dinner. I gave the following instructions:
You can arrive between 5:30 and 6:30. At 5:30 if you would like to have a cocktail and chat. Fashionably late will be 6:15, not 6:45. We will sit down for our first course at 6:30.
Courses
How long do you want the dinner to be? Where are you during the different stages of dinner? When do you clear plates for different courses? Can you serve everything and have people leave by nine?
Leaving
I labeled my party Please Leave By Nine after the meme. This was half a joke, but I wanted to set the expectation – this is not a late night affair, it’s Sunday night. It mostly worked, everyone cleared out by 9:30.
Thank you email
After the dinner party, send a thank you email to your guests – if you sent them leftovers, include directions for reheating leftovers if you are a specific kind of person (like me) who wants people to reheat lasagna the correct way.
You may want to include any recipes or things discussed during dinner (such as a YouTube video on how to fold a fitted sheet), but mostly thank them for their company.
Cleaning up after dinner
It’s up to you whether you want help or not in cleaning the house. For me, I have a dishwasher that’s easy to load and fits a 12-person, 5-course setting. It was still four loads of the dishwasher when you factor in wine glasses, cookware, and serving ware. But it’s good background work with a podcast.
For me, I really wanted my friends to be able to focus on each other during dinner – on being present in company and not worrying about dishes.
After The Party
The house gets quiet, you’re alone with your dishes. I set out to learn how to have a dinner party that brings my friends joy. I think I succeeded. I think it was able to be this way because I was relaxed at dinner – I had fun as the host, which helped everyone else have fun too. For me, that comes down to feeling prepared – both for things to go to plan, and when things go wrong.
My favourite moments were the first taste of the soup when the raucous laughter disappeared in an instant with everyone’s first bite. A complete moment of silence for the first bite of lasagna. And the hilarious profanity when everyone tried the tiramisu, which was somehow the best thing in a series of incredible dishes, and pushed everyone from silent appreciation to incredulous delight.
The next week when a friend told me she made the Brussels sprout salad.
Another friend who, mid-dinner, requested that I bring her a fitted sheet so she could do a performance – educating us all on how to fold a fitted sheet. We are now trading memes. In 20 years we will all still be calling her every time we fold a fitted sheet.
Similarly, my rules I set out in my invitation became a running gag. A way to lighten the mood. There was much laughter, something I think we all need more of.
There was a very touching moment where the table discussed how they knew me, and shared how this very newsletter impacts them. That’s a moment I’ll hold dear through all the times I question my capabilities in the coming years.
I’m really happy I was able to be present with my friends, that everyone had fun, everyone left happy, everyone licked their plates clean and took home leftovers.
It was great. I will do it again soon.
How to be a good guest
Most of this is about being a good host – which means being prepared so you can be present and have fun with your guests. It’s tough to be a relaxed guest sometimes, particularly if you always feel the need to help.
My inclination is always to help – to clear plates, or ask what can be done. Most often I’m told to sit down and enjoy myself, which is hard for me to do. Having been on the other side, as the host where I want my friends to relax and enjoy themselves, I get it. Unless the host has indicated otherwise, focus on being a guest – have fun, relax, chat and enjoy yourself.
Be present and ignore your phone. If you have to check it for childcare, be discreet about it.
If you are sick, stay home. I had friends cancel the day of due to feeling ill. I am grateful for their choice – they were very sick for a week after (I made them a to-go box of leftovers, which they picked up from my porch the next day).
It’s okay to ask “What can I bring?” “Can I help?” or “Can I do the dishes?” But if the answer is nothing, leave it at that. If you feel immense guilt that someone is taking care of you, that’s a discussion to have with your therapist – not something to project on someone making you dinner. Don’t go rogue – some people (like me) are weird about how they do their dishes. And don’t touch my knives!
You can bring a gift for the host to show gratitude. Flowers are great because they can be displayed during the dinner. (Please normalize buying men flowers.)
Be a good conversationalist – listen, involve others, don’t dominate the conversation. To be interesting, be interested. Try to avoid politics and gossip. If you’re in a clique, put in the work to involve newcomers into the conversation.
But mostly show up as you are. You were invited for a reason. Your people want to take care of you and show you they love you in the way they know how.
Let them.
If you have stories about dinner parties you’ve hosted or that you’ve attended I’d love to hear your stories and advice in the comments!
A very special thanks to my friend Christina Ellwood, the Queen of Dinner Parties, for giving me guidance on how to plan my own.
Enjoyed this very much Marko.
This newsletter made me wish I could have been there. It sounds like your first dinner party was fun. Congratulations Marko.