Let it be, then let it go

I'm going on an adventure!

“Okay – so what if I’m in Banff, camping alone, filming a Banff Bourguignon recipe for YouTube, and it smells so good it attracts a bear. But the bear thinks I am what smells good, and the bear eats me for dinner.”

This is a conversation I’ve had with myself as I try to work through my anxiety for the adventure I’m about to start living.

“Well, I suppose Kelly or Lex could make a podcast about my death. But what if I’m filming a cooking video in a campground… and strangers… ask me questions… about what I’m doing?”

I mean, I would probably just answer them politely, give them a business card with my website address, and ask them to like and subscribe…

BUT WHAT IF A STRANGER TALKED TO ME?!

I’m thinking about these things because I’m about to embark on a wild, new adventure. Larger, riskier, and more exciting than anything I’ve tried before. And I’m trying to prevent my anxiety from ruining a once-in-a-lifetime experience that I hope can become something truly special.

I may not seem like it externally, but I am a very anxious person.

In my head, I have all these versions of me that I want to be one day. Versions of me I’m totally capable of being – but I often don’t do the things to get there, to become that version of myself, because of my anxiety. It’s not that I’m afraid of these things (okay, I’m afraid of bears). I’ve been afraid in the “I’m 16, working at Domino’s at 2am, and there’s a knife to my throat” kind of way.

This is anxiety – where my brain lies to me, telling me I would be better off if I lived a smaller, safer, gentler life where I don’t have things like needs or wants. This usually comes from my people pleasing tendencies (“well, what if I do a bad job and people judge me? What if I offend someone by doing something perfectly normal for myself?”).

Letting anxiety drive often has me shoving my own needs down to the bottom of the list, and generally being unhappy so other people can be comfortable instead.

Sharing this fact about me typically confuses people because I try so many things that many people never consider trying – like starting a software company, starting a YouTube channel, starting a granola company, and writing about it all on the Internet.

But I also avoid things many people consider easy, fun, and normal, like parties. Because what if a stranger talks to me?!

I’ve been learning to accept my anxiety, to “sit with the feeling” – which means I acknowledge that it’s there, but it doesn’t change my actions. This is the opposite of what I used to do, which was to immediately act, to do whatever it took to get rid of the anxious feeling, even if that action led to the opposite outcome I wanted.

I’ve spent many years acting to remove the feeling of anxiety, thinking it would make me happy, and it doesn’t. It just makes me not anxious for five minutes. “Not anxious” is not the same as being happy, content, or fulfilled.

I’m sharing all of this because I am now doing something ridiculous with my life, and while the reaction among my friends (and therapist) has been “sounds about right,” I also feel the need to explain that this adventure is full of uncertainty, it is extremely uncomfortable for me, but I am going to do it anyway because a fulfilling life I want to live could be on the other side of my discomfort.

There’s a version of me waiting to be realized. Maybe there’s a version of you waiting to be realized, too.

So, what am I doing with my life?

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He said the sun's gonna rise tomorrow
Somewhere on the east side of sorrow
You better pack your bags west
Stick out your chest, and then hit the road

The sun's gonna rise tomorrow
Somewhere on the east side of sorrow
Don't give it a reason to follow
Let it be, then let it go

– Zach Bryan, East Side of Sorrow

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I sold my house

I don’t have firm plans for where I am going to live. My intention is to move to Nova Scotia, buy vacant land, and build a new house from scratch. Before you comment – yes, my kitchen is beautiful but I am the one that made it beautiful AND I TELL YOU I WILL DO IT AGAIN!

I bought a Rivian R1T

It’s an electric pick-up truck. I’ve never had an electric car. Or a pick-up truck.

Stay tuned next week to learn more about buying electric cars and getting over range anxiety.

I will be driving across the country
… camping in a pop up tent
… on the back of my truck
… filming a mobile cooking show
… in National Parks
… with an electric kitchen powered by my truck
… for 2 months!

After the sale of my house closes in mid-September, I am going to drive from Kitchener to…

• Tobermory, ON

• Thunder Bay, ON

• Winnipeg, MB

• Regina, SK

• Banff, AB

• Kelowna, BC

• Vancouver, BC

• Tofino, BC

• Seattle, WA

• Portland, OR – I’ll be here for a bit, staying with friends

• San Francisco, CA – I’ll be here for a bit, staying with friends

• Either Yosemite, Sequoia, Joshua Tree, Grand Canyon, Craters of the Moon… or through Washington, Idaho, and Montana

• Yellowstone, WY

• Devil’s Tower, WY

• Badlands, SD

• Somewhere in MN

• Somewhere in WI

• Chicago, IL

• Kitchener, ON

• Montreal, QC

• Quebec City, QC

• St. John, NB

• And ending up in Nova Scotia, where I’ll be staying with friends until I buy some land and build a house!

I’m embracing uncertainty to create possibility

There is so much on this journey I’ve needed to work through with myself, and new things I still have to work through.

• I am leaving the city I’ve spent almost my entire life in (with a few years in Toronto which is an hour away).

• I am leaving the behind the responsibility of being physically present for my dad (my sisters and nieces are still here, but traditionally that responsibility fallen on to me and I’ve used it as a reason not to live my own life).

• I am not going to have a permanent home for at least the next two years, because building a house is complicated, time consuming, and expensive. How will I rest and recharge? How will I be warm? Where will I watch TV?!

• I am not going to be able to be rescued by anyone except for strangers and CAA (who are ALSO strangers).

• Will all of my worldly possessions be safe in storage? Can I trust professional movers with insurance with my things? (When I write it down like that you can see how ridiculous I am.)

• What if I am still in the US during the election? (Canadians worry about this all the time.)

• What if I need to poop or shower in the woods?! How do I live without a bidet after I’ve had one at home? (Note: I bought a portable bidet and an electric heated camping shower, and a pop-up privacy tent so I don’t need to poop near strangers! Also note: if you don’t have a bidet attachment for your toilet at home you are living in the 16th century. Shame. Shame. Shame.)

• What if the truck breaks down? (I have 4 free tows with CAA membership). What if I break down? (I have an emergency kit in the car and I can afford a spa day). What if there’s no cell reception? (SOS on iPhone). What if I don’t like camping? (That’s what hotels are for, and I can book them the same day I need them! Hotels like money!) What if someone breaks into the truck? (I have insurance).

The list of arguments I’ve made not to do this very long. I made a Google Sheet. It has tabs.

This process is also forcing me to confront the gap between doing things the way they “should” be done, and doing things the way I enjoy them.

I know who I am and what I like. I’m not using a tiny, fossil fuel powered camping stove, I bought an induction cooktop for the truck. I’m bringing my good knives and All Clad pans to the woods. I’m going to have an oven and make bread (also powered by the car). Sure, there’s something primal about cooking on fire, but you aren’t even allowed to make a fire in most of the continent right now. Instead, this is going to be the bougiest overlanding experience, because I am a fancy man and even fancy people are allowed to commune with nature in their own way. And my way is pour over coffee in the woods! With my electric kettle! You can have your way!

The real difference here is that in the past I would have done what other people think is The One True Correct Manly Way To Camp™ . Instead, I’m not going to allow myself to feel judged for doing this in a way that feels right to me. I will be judged, but I don’t have to allow myself to feel judged.

I read much of this post to my therapist last week, and she was so pleased she gave me a gold star. As people pleaser this makes me feel deeply satisfied.

So in the spirit of Sarah Polley’s Run Towards The Danger (listen to this great piece on This American Life if you don’t want to read the book) – I am going headfirst into the unknown, to the places that make me feel uncomfortable, to see who I may become.

What’s that all mean here? Can I like and subscribe to this future? Are you writing again?

The short answer is yes, but I’m not making any promises on content.

I want to document this for myself and create content that doesn’t worry about growth or revenue or the algorithm. I have learned that I would rather have a regular job that pays the bills, which gives me the space for my creative work to be creative instead of content.

Since I’ve come to this conclusion I have made a few more YouTube videos. They will only be on YouTube. I do not care for TikTok or Reels. I do not care for 60 second snap cut videos. It’s fine if you like them. But I will be on YouTube with my slow pace and my dad jokes.

My intent – not commitment – is to do the following:

• I will film recipe videos for YouTube and publish the recipes to my website. For me, the idea of making a devil's food cake at Devil’s Tower on Halloween, in an oven powered by an electric truck is hilarious. Will the algorithm like it? It doesn’t matter – it’s fun for me.

• I will write this newsletter when I can (there are no longer paid subscriptions) and the topics will meander – will it be a travel journal? Therapy? A car buying guide? Instructions on how to build a passive house? You and I will discover that together.

• I will post dailies on Instagram Stories. I like the easy, temporary nature of Stories. If you want to see photos and videos of the trip, that is where it will be.

Saying yes is saying no to something else

It’s really hard to set firm boundaries with myself on this, which is why I am writing this all down.

Already in planning this journey, I’ve met people who say “you need to document this entire process on video, from the beginning!” and I’m sure that’s true if I want to maximize growth. But I’m more interested in maximizing my fulfillment.

I might end up off grid, enjoying the solitude, and being present in nature. I might make a recipe video every day. I’m giving myself permission to have possibilities.

In summary, here are some recipes for chicken thighs, and for strawberry oat bars.

Both of these recipes are easy, cheap, low effort, and amazing.

If you like these videos, the best way to help my YouTube videos find a larger audience is to watch them all the way through, comment on the videos, and share them with your friends.

Onwards,

Marko