Homo for the holidays
Your home town is probably cool now, if you're willing to explore
Dating apps get weird around the holidays: the big city boys are back in town. There are so many handsome new faces on all the apps, but my Hallmark movie fantasies are fleeting. These big city boys didn’t bring their holiday spirit, they brought the ghosts of Christmas past.
“There’s nothing to do here!” he says.
I ask, “where have you gone?”
“Tim Hortons” he says.
This isn’t entirely true – the gays go to Starbucks, but the effect is the same. Suburbs. Chain restaurants. Disappointment. They’re looking for a reservation on a holiday Monday and wondering why everything is closed. “It must be the small town.” Well, the Portuguese chicken poutine place in Montreal is closed on Mondays too, Michael!
Grinches.
If you were spending a week in Montreal, Vancouver, or Toronto you would put in effort to make a plan. You would try to find something (not just someone) to like. Yet when we (meaning you) return to our hometowns we don’t treat it like travel, or an opportunity for adventure or discovery. You’re here for obligation. You emotionally return to being 16, not leaving your parents basement except to go to Starbucks. If you’re only visiting once a year, why not plan it like a trip to a new city? Tour your loved ones around? Look for joy instead of waiting for it to happen to you.
For those staying at home – maybe you are still in your hometown! – you might have time off to explore. You can finally go to all those weird new places that you’ve been following on Instagram. The weird food people need your support and you need them to inspire you, to fill your heart with joy and cholesterol before you return to the grind.
So in the spirit of my trip to Montreal, here’s how I would plan my food trip for the city I love. Kitchener, Ontario. The 10th largest city in Canada – the boonies, if you ask the gays. If you follow my list you will leave impressed. Kitchener-Waterloo (“KW”) may not be Montreal, but the food is great – it’s weird – and it competes with the best of Toronto.
Come for your family, stay for weird food people. That’s how this Hallmark movie works, right?
(Editor’s note: this email is not a solicitation for dates, please keep your thirsty messages in the apps where they belong.)
For the restaurant/store listings below I have asked when they are open, but these places are generally owned and operated by 1-2 people. They might have plans change due to the holidays or babies. Your best bet is to check their Instagram stories, Google listings, or – heaven forbid – give them a call.
The Eby St. Bodega – if you only go to one place
Regular hours: Only open Wed–Sat. Wed–Fri: 11am–6pm, Sat 7am–3pm.
Holiday closures: Wed. Dec. 28, Wed. Jan 4, Thurs. Jan. 5.
The Eby St. Bodega sells local and imported cheese, natural wine, Burlap & Barrel spices, Bianco di Napoli tomatoes, excellent olive oil, cookbooks, and more. They make sandwiches, soup, and baked goods. Dino and Anna, who own it, are true food lovers. They live upstairs with their Bodega Baby. Anna is the mastermind behind their social media and excellent inventory.
If you’re not sure what to get, tell Dino what you like and he’ll put something together for you. Show him screencaps of my Instagram stories and ask “what cheese is this?” (It has happened). Ask for cheese samples if you’re not sure.
Get whatever the baguette sandwich of the day is and always get the soup of the day. The desserts are great (they change every day), but on Friday and Saturday there is focaccia barese (olives, tomatoes, herbs). Saturday also has maritozzi (brioche with vanilla cream).
Try to find the shirtless photo of Dino on the walls. If they have Sex Cake on the menu, ask for it loudly to embarrass Dino (but be nice if it’s Stu or Taylor working). Dino is the one who looks like my brother, except I don’t have a brother. (Seriously we’re not related.)
The Yeti Cafe – for breakfast
Regular hours: Open every day, Mon-Fri 9-3, Sat 7-3, Sun 10-3; Evening service Fri/Sat 7pm-10pm.
Holiday closures: Closed Dec. 25, 26
The Yeti is directly outside the Kitchener Market, beside the Bodega. If you go on Saturday there will be a long line-up, but they are less busy throughout the week.
My favourite order is the Pregnant Cowgirl (an everything bagel with garlic aioli, avocado, tomato, bacon – a fried egg makes it pregnant) with half-and-half (half sharply dressed salad, half sweet potato hashbrown). The Pregnant Sasquatch is also great.
When you fall in love with the food you can save the memory with a watercolor of The Yeti from Trevor Clare (available at the KW Famous Holiday Shoppe or his website).
The Kitchener Market
Regular hours: Saturdays only, open Dec. 24 and Dec. 31, 7am-2pm – go early
Holiday closures: None, it’s only open on Saturdays
There are many farmer’s markets in KW, but the Kitchener Market is the real market. People say go to the St. Jacob’s Market, but it’s a tourist trap. Sure, they have apple fritters. But if you’re going to fill your Yeti cooler you want to go to the Kitchener Market.
Stop by the Pulao Gals for chai, saag and cheddar filled brioche buns, chutney, and the best pistachio cookie you’ll ever have. If you can’t make it to the market, Zerka and her mom have a take-out only shop with an ever-changing weekly menu, generally open Wed–Fri from 4–7pm (check Instagram stories for holiday modifications).
Fresh and Tasty Mushrooms has the best mushrooms you can buy in the city and they are my favourite vendor at the market. You can buy all the weird pumpkins from them, too.
Be sure to check which produce vendors are growers vs importers (they’re labeled now!). There are cheese, meat, honey, and bakery vendors on the main floor, a food court upstairs, but save your calories for a pregnant cowgirl and maritozzi.
Lucero Canteen – specialty coffee, donuts
Regular hours: Open Tues-Sun, 8am-4pm
Holiday closures: Not set yet – Andrew says check Instagram or Google
Lucero has no business being as good as it is. At half the quality it would be better than any coffee shop in KW – instead Andrew’s team pulls espresso that’s as good, if not better, than coffee I’ve had in San Francisco, New York, and London. It’s specialty-style espresso (for Italian-style head to Matter of Taste). They make fresh donuts and tarts in house everyday.
You can buy freshly roasted specialty coffee beans from roasters around the world. The atmosphere is excellent. No wifi, no laptops allowed. It’s a place to bond over excellent coffee, pastry, and atmosphere.
Legacy Greens – Grocery, gifts, wine
Regular hours: Open every day, Sun/Mon 12–4, Tues–Fri 11-6, Sat 10-4
Holiday closures: Dec. 25, 26, 26 and Jan 1, 2, 3.
Next door to Lucero is Legacy Greens. Legacy Greens is the grocery store I go to, I’m there at least 3 times a week. It’s a small shop that packs a lot in.
Jordan focuses on locally sourced produce and locally made products, like locally made Wooden Boat’s Nuoc Cham, locally roasted Smile Tiger Coffee, locally made notebooks by MacLellan Books. The produce is the best you’ll find outside of the Kitchener market (sometimes better!). Chef Julia makes excellent soups and snacks you can find in the fridge and freezer.
There is also a bottle shop, where you’ll find affordable wine, beer, and cider from Ontario wineries and breweries. You can get gifts for the home, a wide variety of Canadian-made bean-to-bar chocolates, and more.
KWFamous Holiday Pop-Up Shoppe
Regular hours: Tues–Fri 10am–8pm, Sat/Sun 12–4pm. Closed Mondays.
Holiday closures: Open until Dec. 30 and then it’s gone forever. Until next year when we all demand it comes back.
I think KWFamous are single handedly (triple handedly?) making KW the weird art place I want to see in the world. They held a week-long roller disco pop-up that sold out every day. They held Art Hop, a weird, city-wide art festival on Labour Day weekend that sold out. They’ve held drag shows, adult spelling bees, and comedy festivals in public parks. They are back at it again with the KWFamous Holiday Shoppe.
A physical pop-up located across from City Hall, the shop is a diverse and curated collection of KW makers. You’ll find art, art prints, cards, clothes, candles, wallets, purses, kids toys, ornaments, mugs, ceramics, woodworking. There are two rooms set up for you have a holiday photo shoot. You’ll be able to find new local makers you’ll love.
Every time a till rings a maker’s phone dings. Seriously, makers get an email notification immediately and I’ve heard they do a happy dance. The quality of the goods at the shoppe is excellent – these are professional makers with high quality, well designed items.
Talula Fields – Beautifully curated gifts and plants
Regular hours: Wed–Fri 11–7, Sat. 9–5
Holiday closures: Dec 24: 9–3, Dec 25–26: closed, Dec 29–30: 11am-7pm; Dec 31: 9am–3pm, Jan 1–4: closed
A queer-friendly store with a flower farm and excellent taste. If you’re looking for design objects, plants, planters, candles, bath stuff, smoke stuff, it’s all here. It’s all very nice and beautifully curated.
Stop and smell everything.
Goldie’s Convenience – A natural wine bar made for Instagram moments
Regular hours: Open every day, 3pm–Midnight.
Holiday closures: Closed Dec 23–26.
I don’t go out enough, mostly because working full-time and being an internet food person full-time doesn’t really allow me to have a social life. If I had a social life, I would be at Goldie’s every week. Lindsay has made a beautiful, queer-friendly space with this natural wine bar in Kitchener. The aesthetic is a mood and the quality of the food and drink is very high.
You will take many photos. You will have many drinks. You will be very happy while you’re there and very sad when you have to leave.
Every Tuesday is karaoke (Lindsay confirmed karaoke is on for Dec. 27th). Every Thursday is queer wine night. 10/10 I should go every week. Maybe in 2023.
The Grand Trunk Saloon – cocktails and comfort food
Regular hours: Tues–Sat, 4pm-11pm (no reservations)
Holiday closures: Check Instagram
If you’re looking for a bigger meal and classic cocktails, head to the Grand Trunk Saloon. It is my favourite place for a first date. There are enough standard items on the menu to be comfortable (excellent fried chicken) and enough exciting options to see what kind of person you have on your hands (hopefully the only catfish is the one on the menu). There is a rotating cocktail menu. It’s affordable and delicious with great atmosphere. Get the chicken & waffle sandwich and the Brussels sprouts.
Across from The Grand Trunk, beside the comic book store, is their sister restaurant – a tiki bar called The Grand Surf Lounge. If you want pretend you went to Hawaii, complete with drinks in a parrot shaped glass and spam sliders, you should stop by.
Bhima’s Warung – Best high end restaurant
Regular hours: Wed–Sat, opens at 5pm
Holiday closures: Call for details
I asked my friends what is the one place in KW I should recommend? Seven people replied, nearly instantly, only saying “Bhimas.” It wasn’t a question that needed to be asked. Bhima’s is my favourite favourite in KW, but it’s a special occasion price point.
Your Hallmark Movie Holiday is a special occasion.
Listen – they have a horrible website, the restaurant is in the dingy basement of a strip mall in the student housing area. It’s Indonesian-fusion food, which may sound intimidating, but just trust me (and apparently everyone I know).
If Bhima’s is booked or closed, you can try Loloan Lobby Bar, their sister restaurant (which I have not yet been to, since I don’t have time to leave the house).
All the other good places
Most of my recommendations are in walking distance of each other, easy to get to on the LRT (those city boys don’t drive). Here are all the other places to visit, you’re on your own for researching holiday hours.
Bakeries
Golden Hearth Bakery – originally Golden Hearth was in the main essay, but they are taking holiday break from Dec. 25 to Jan. 10 (it’s good to rest). If you’re in town before Dec. 24 stop by for great sourdough bread (I love the rye porridge), baguettes, and croissants. I also really love the maple walnut granola. (The panettone isn’t panettone, it’s a large hot cross bun.)
Lenjo Bakes – French style with Canadian flavour. Wed–Sat 8:30 to sold out. Go early. Thursday focaccia pizzas, Saturday savoury breakfast pastries.
Sabletine – French-style pastries, the best almond croissant in town. Severals friends petitioned that the chocolate chip cookie and lemon raspberry tart get a mention.
Crushed Almond – Turkish bakery, usually open Wed–Sun. I grew up eating a lot of these desserts (not from here, my mom made them) so this place creates a lot of nostalgic feelings for me.
Aura-La – Bean-to-bar chocolate and pastries (across from Crushed Almond!).
Nova Era – it’s a chain, but if you want a pastel de nata it is the place to be.
Cafes
Seven Shores – A classic in Waterloo for a light breakfast and coffee.
Matter of Taste – A classic in Kitchener, very kind owners, Italian-style espresso.
Smile Tiger Coffee Roasters – Italian-style espresso and great atmosphere.
Rose Cafe – Rose cafe is brand new, near The Kitchener Market. I have not been yet, but the Instagram posts look like its Madam Puddifoots from Harry Potter, but in real life. My friends who have gone gave it a high rating.
Hole-in-the-wall lunch spots with delicious food:
Givral Deli – Sometimes they sell Vietnamese subs, sometimes they only do your income tax. Sometimes they do both. Best Bahn Mi in town.
Pupuseria Latinos – Literally like you’re in someones dining room.
The Guanaquita – Salvadorian food, dancing some Saturdays.
East African Cafe – If you’ve ever wanted to try injera this is the place to try it, very delicious food.
Cameron Seafood Restaurant – Go for dim sum.
The Humble Lotus – High quality takeout sushi.
Vincenzo’s – Vincenzo’s is like the Bodega, but bigger, busier, more old-school Italian. The sandwich bar is excellent. Prepare for a line if you want a sandwich.
Mark’s Caribbean Kitchen – I haven’t been here yet but it comes highly recommended (my go-to was the now-closed Rainbow Caribbean).
Ellison’s Bistro – I haven’t been here yet but it comes highly recommended.
Dinner spots:
Back of House Pizza – KW lacks great pizza*, but Back of House is really good. It’s a weird, New York Style pizza shop in the back of The Lancaster Smokehouse (also excellent). Take-out only.
Public – Tapas style, modern American with Italian and French influences, very good food and cocktails. I think I got takeout from Public every week during my lockdown renovations when I had no kitchen.
Kinkaku Izakaya – It’s all you can eat sushi, but it’s better than you would expect. Outside of Sakura Island (a classic) it’s my favourite Japanese-style food in town. It’s across from Kitchener City Hall, they don’t take reservations and there will be a 30-90 minute wait. It’s worth it. I haven’t been to Jinzakaya yet, the Waterloo location.
Crafty Ramen – A transplant from Guelph, it’s very good Canadian-influenced ramen.
Red House – Locally inspired menu.
Red Ginger – The best Thai and Viet food.
Borealis – 100km radius ingredients.
Arabesque – Lebanese and middle Eastern food, one of the places I always go back to. My favourite hummus (very tahini forward) in town. Chicken Mousahab with extra garlic sauce is the way to go.
Crowsfoot Smokehaus – I haven’t been but very popular with my friends who live on that side of the city. Canadian-German food. The schnitzel is highly recommended.
Other evening entertainment:
AOK Arcade Bar – a really lovely, fun space if you like arcade games.
The Adventurer’s Guild Cafe – a great board games cafe and bar (beside Lucero!), closed on Mondays, Dec. 25 and Jan 1 but otherwise great hours.
The Apollo Cinema – a beautifully restored indie cinema with great food, local beer and wine, and a great selection of movies. Closed Dec. 24–30, but see website for schedule.
There is something like 22 craft breweries, Shortfinger and TWB Co-Op being my favourites. If you’re up for a drive go to Willibauld Farm Distillery.
For adventure, don’t miss the Oxford County Cheese Trail, but if country driving in the snow doesn’t feel gouda, you can get most of the cheeses delivered to your door by The Milkman’s Daughter (the mac and cheese kit is excellent).
The weird food people are in Kitchener – they are in my favourite shops, restaurants, and perhaps here only for a few days around the holidays for my Hallmark movie.
Whether you’re in KW or your own non-KW hometown, if you treat it like an adventure you’ll be sure to find something (and maybe someone) to love.
A brief note on pizza before everyone emails me:
I have a very high standard for pizza, especially if you’re going to charge Toronto prices. Please don’t @ me.
Many people in town like Later Pizza. I have had Later several times. The branding is excellent, the dough is not my favourite. I’m glad you like it, you can like what you like. What I like should not impact you.
Many people like Graffiti Market. It’s Detroit-style pizza that I feel was designed for Instagram, not for eating (similar to how I feel about Lady Glaze Donuts, which are very Instagram-able and not my favourite to eat). Again, it’s okay if you like it, but stop selling me on it Nigel! (Nigel is my boss at my jobby job).
La Cucina is good for a Neapolitan-style pizza.
Franklin Pizzeria is good for a Domino’s-style crust, mom-and-pop shop. They have a dill pickle pizza that’s really enjoyable. In this style, my dad likes City Pizza.
You can like what you like and we don’t need to argue about it. KW doesn’t have a pizza place the caliber of The Fourth Man In The Fire. Someone should open one. It’s not going to be me, but I would be happy to give input to whoever does it.
This is my pizza, which I only sell at pop-ups for fun because it’s a low margin business unless you do it at scale.